The Week Ahead...

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please help me in the following week to come.  There is so much chaos and noise in my own home that I am finding it hard to keep myself Spirit centered the majority of the time.  If it's not the constant sound of guns from Justin's game, or the kids screaming and fighting over something, then it's the cursing and swearing of Justin because something has gone wrong with his game.  The only time that I truly have to myself is between home and office while driving. Which is the reason this is my favorite part of my day.

I get to listen to my favorite station but if I am too quiet and focused on other things, it's dangerous for me to be behind the wheel.  I don't know what or why, but it's almost like a trance state that I find myself in and then I come back to the road in front of me and have no real recollection of what has passed me, what is in my blind spot, or even if I have passed my exit yet.  I have been searching for an outlet to clear things away for a while and Temple grounds were suggested since I can't very well go to the Temple as of yet but I haven't felt myself being pushed in that direction.  Am I supposed to figure out how to maintain the Spirit while all manner of chaos and mayhem is about?  Is this what I am building up to?

It's really difficult being the only Spiritual figure for my family.  I have Faith enough for everyone, and then some, but I still have a difficult time; Especially when all odds are against me.  When Justin and I were married, and Baptized, it was almost as simple as breathing for me.  I agreed to marry him because I had a God-fearing man that loved me. Then the world presented itself to him and I was left to endure alone.  That's exactly how I feel most of the time Lord; Alone.  I have my ladies in Relief Society but I am not really close as I would like to be to my sisters.  There are only a couple who know me somewhat better than the rest, and I still feel as if I am imposing on them if I go to them.  Heck, my one and only friend that I had while in Oregon for 10 years is unable to understand what I am dealing with because she isn't part of the Church.  So I can't very well talk to her about it.  What is my next turn?

I have been reading Your Word and searching for some solace to my silent turmoil with yet no usual kick in the pants.  Which brings me back to my original issue; Am I not able to focus and figure out what you wish because of my environment or is it because of my constant demeanor when I am here?  Things are soo much different than what they were when we first were married.  We would sit down in the evening and read our scriptures together.  We prayed together, we talked and contemplated together.  Now, if anything is even mentioned about the church, he scoffs and says 'whatever'.  There is a constant disagreement between us about anything Spiritual or having to do with the Church.  It's to the point where I won't even broach any conversation about it with him unless it's to tell him that I, or the children, have something coming up on the calendar.  He says that he wants to go with on Sunday but when it gets here, he has one excuse after the other why he has to stay at home.

I know part of his issue comes from not letting go of the anger and hate that was created because of his upbringing and his disease.  I know this, but, he surrounds himself with things that amplify that anger and it seeps into my home and family.  It has a lot to do with why my children behave the way that they do when they are here.  He knows that they, Kelsey more so than the boys, are especially sensitive to feelings and impressions, but when I have mentioned this to him, and have reminded him of it, he now blows it off.  I am thankful for my children that have resulted from our marriage but I am not so sure about the marriage itself anymore Father.  Please help me to figure this out. I just keep feeling that my family, and my life in general, would be better off without the influences that he brings. It's draining and exhausting, spiritually and mentally, to try and fight with what he has with him all the time.  I have been praying for this man for almost 6 years now and I know he has You in him.  He just refuses to even acknowledge it anymore and I am at breaking point. I don't know if I can keep holding my breath for much longer.
I say these things in Jesus name.  Amen.

An Interesting Beginning...

Dear Heavenly Father,

I have always wanted a place to tell my story but due to life, I have only managed to do some writing in one of my many journals here and there.  Now, I am either unable to find the latest one with my current entries, more than likely due to my 18 month old carting it off somewhere, or I begin writing and my hands no longer want to cooperate due to my physical problems. 

This evening, while running an errand to the local pharmacy, it hit me.  Over the last couple of days, I have really opened myself back up to the Holy Spirit and began listening again.  It's been there, I was just letting the everyday noise of life fill my ears and time and wasn't stopping to listen to that whisper.  I was driving along and it was like a kick in the spiritual solar plexus.  A blog!  I have the knowledge and know how, due to my background, I had just never stopped to put that knowledge in motion.

Through my prayers, and writings, I now have a way to physically see the words that I am feeling and have a visual reminder and a method to keep me accountable to you.  I realize that I am putting this out there for the world to see, but I have nothing to hide Lord.  You have always been there for me and this is my way of being there fully, and giving myself over to You.

Lord, you know my heart, my mind, and my soul better than any living being on this earth. Please help me to be the person that you want me to be; To say what you want me to say whenever You need me to say it. Please help me to make a habit of my devotion time so that I may learn.  Help me to teach my children and raise them with love, kindness, honor, and praise for You.  Please keep my faith strong and remind me to always turn to you. I will praise you in the good times; I will praise You in the sad times; I will praise You in the harsh and troubling times.  I am yours.  Please help me to radiate You through out my day, no matter where I may be so that your love shines through me.  I am in awe of what You have blessed me with and I thank You.

In Jesus Name, Amen.